new year's eve.

new years eve, December 31st, 2008. Today should've been a crazy fun day, a big new years eve bash in visalia, then driving up to Kerman to party all night before a even 'huger' new years bash tomorrow.
but instead, i sat at home all day. Every time i get sooo close to the things i strive towards, but then in the end i fall short. and it seems like lately it has been other's who have been coming up short, for all of us. And to top off everything else, my back pack is lost. proabably my own fault, all though no one is excited to help me in my search. probably my biggest pet peave is when people don't answer their cell phones. You know that in this day and age, people keep their phone stuck to them like it's an essential tool to keep their heart beating. But yet, time after time, they fail to answer them. Honestly.

So time has gone by and by, and yet again, my map has altered it's path. Now i'm faced with difficult decision of choosing which fork in the road to choose. Do i make it happen, at all costs, or do i stay true to the people around me, and stick by their side. It can work both ways, but one just seems slower, and harder than the other. I feel like i'm running out of time. Most people are excited that this is their last semester of high school, as am I, but i feel like i have so much to do, and so little time to do it. Which is probably inccorect, but still. With Plan A, I was ecstatic to be done. It made it that much easier for me. But with plan B, i wish i had more time! I almost wish plan B never arose. I want the other, but i know i can't leave...
Oh, the irony.


i hope none of this makes sense, to all of you.

Finally.

For once in my life i feel as if everything is going according to plan, but yet, i have no real plan at all. Just a gut feeling and a passion in my heart that tells me to run blindly down this sightless tunnel, with promise of fortune at the end. And for some unknown reason, that completely calms me down. I have faith and trust that this will work, but what am i putting my faith and trust in? Is it God? I'd like to think yes, but i can't say for sure. Is it me? Is it purely in fate; Up in the air for anyone to grab? All i know is God, gave me a purpose. I've never said that so bluntly before. One probably wouldn't believe me, but i've been trying to convince myself the opposite. I still don't truly believe it. But when my hair is on end as my skin prickles up, and my brain is shooting neurons so fast that it completely shuts down and I am engulfed in the moment... How can i deny that? I'm finally doing what i always said (half jokingly) i would. And it feels so good, and i haven't even started. I'm just slowly seeing things, pointless meaningless things, fall into place, and I feel like young child overwhelmed at Disney Land for the first time. This one time it's okayto quote paramore, "We(I) were born for this."