What's the point?

Honestly, I don't understand why i am going through with all of this crap. College after college, scholarship after scholarship, all the various applications are getting ridiculous. Why do i bother doing them? I don't want to do them, it's my life isn't it? All i want in life is to travel the country playing my heart out every night, and if that means i'm dirt poor i'll be 100% fine with that. I'd much rather have that life, than a rich life after 3489258093246 years of school and many hours crammed in a little office. And even if i don't end up touring for the rest of my life, i will do it. There's no doubt about it. Even if i have to wait a few years, or even if it only last a few years, it will happen. I would never be able to live with myself if i never went out and tried the one thing that i truly was passionate about.

At first i wanted to fill out the applications. I was going to go to college, and i was just hoping that a career in music would just fling itself on me, without any effort on my part. I always talked about college, and getting a degree, and working and growing up, but somewhere in the back of my head i knew it was all, for lack of a better term, bs. I always thought to myself that half way through i would drop out to pursue music. I just pushed back where no one saw it, and only brought it up as an almost joke. Yes plans can change, and i'm not saying my plans won't, but why should i plan for my changing-of-plans? if that makes any sense. When my plans change, that's when i'll change my actions to flow with the new train of thought. I can't plan on predictions. Especially when they're not even my predictions. They belong to that reoccurring time line that says after high school you go to college, get a bs degree (no pun intended), and go work while dreams slowly fade away with your adolescent figure (ladies). I honestly do feel that it would be dumb of me to not attend college at all next fall. But that's just the culture and lineage talking. I feel as if i need to put schooling first, and music second, but when i really have time to think about it, i'm left torn. If music is truly the only source of happiness and fulfillment in my life, why am i not pursuing it with everything in me?! Even if that means i have to skip out on college and other things that follow in the time line of "life".

Have you ever had those moments, where everything goes silent. The edges start to blur away, as the colors start to fade. your eyes are fixed straight forward as all things disappear. Your sight narrows in on one intangible dream. The hair on your heads leaps off you scalp, and your skin becomes bumpy and cold. Although grey on the outside, your insides are burning with passion and love. you realize, at that one specific moment, that you were born for this, and nothing is gonna stop you now. you're in the moment, and you can't break it no matter how hard you try. anything remotely close to the subject matter excites you, and you are completely absorbed. You morph, you grow, fusion is at hand.
This is you, doing as you're supposed to.

The Takeover.

It's consuming me.

Gone.

The one thing i had going for me. The one thing that i excelled at, and loved doing, gone. I wish i could control others minds, and let them see what i see, and let them feel what i feel. I could make them all bleed passion and dedication. They would be able to see into the future. See what they could've been. I could get rid of all of my problems. I wish i could just go back. But then again, if the past asked if it could come back, i'm not sure what i would say. I wish, for once, everything could work out. I thought everything would work out for the better, but it sure doesn't seem like it. Like a dope fiend, my addiction is beginning to take over. I can't focus for five seconds with out the memories flashing through my head. I truly need this. I don't know what to do with out it. I've tried different substitutes and they just weren't the same. I need something of greater or equal value to subdue my pain, to make me content, to complete me, to make me happy.

I wish I was indie.

Or unintelligent, and no, I'm not saying there's any correlation between the two. That's all. How's that for a first blog?