new year's eve.

new years eve, December 31st, 2008. Today should've been a crazy fun day, a big new years eve bash in visalia, then driving up to Kerman to party all night before a even 'huger' new years bash tomorrow.
but instead, i sat at home all day. Every time i get sooo close to the things i strive towards, but then in the end i fall short. and it seems like lately it has been other's who have been coming up short, for all of us. And to top off everything else, my back pack is lost. proabably my own fault, all though no one is excited to help me in my search. probably my biggest pet peave is when people don't answer their cell phones. You know that in this day and age, people keep their phone stuck to them like it's an essential tool to keep their heart beating. But yet, time after time, they fail to answer them. Honestly.

So time has gone by and by, and yet again, my map has altered it's path. Now i'm faced with difficult decision of choosing which fork in the road to choose. Do i make it happen, at all costs, or do i stay true to the people around me, and stick by their side. It can work both ways, but one just seems slower, and harder than the other. I feel like i'm running out of time. Most people are excited that this is their last semester of high school, as am I, but i feel like i have so much to do, and so little time to do it. Which is probably inccorect, but still. With Plan A, I was ecstatic to be done. It made it that much easier for me. But with plan B, i wish i had more time! I almost wish plan B never arose. I want the other, but i know i can't leave...
Oh, the irony.


i hope none of this makes sense, to all of you.

Finally.

For once in my life i feel as if everything is going according to plan, but yet, i have no real plan at all. Just a gut feeling and a passion in my heart that tells me to run blindly down this sightless tunnel, with promise of fortune at the end. And for some unknown reason, that completely calms me down. I have faith and trust that this will work, but what am i putting my faith and trust in? Is it God? I'd like to think yes, but i can't say for sure. Is it me? Is it purely in fate; Up in the air for anyone to grab? All i know is God, gave me a purpose. I've never said that so bluntly before. One probably wouldn't believe me, but i've been trying to convince myself the opposite. I still don't truly believe it. But when my hair is on end as my skin prickles up, and my brain is shooting neurons so fast that it completely shuts down and I am engulfed in the moment... How can i deny that? I'm finally doing what i always said (half jokingly) i would. And it feels so good, and i haven't even started. I'm just slowly seeing things, pointless meaningless things, fall into place, and I feel like young child overwhelmed at Disney Land for the first time. This one time it's okayto quote paramore, "We(I) were born for this."

What's the point?

Honestly, I don't understand why i am going through with all of this crap. College after college, scholarship after scholarship, all the various applications are getting ridiculous. Why do i bother doing them? I don't want to do them, it's my life isn't it? All i want in life is to travel the country playing my heart out every night, and if that means i'm dirt poor i'll be 100% fine with that. I'd much rather have that life, than a rich life after 3489258093246 years of school and many hours crammed in a little office. And even if i don't end up touring for the rest of my life, i will do it. There's no doubt about it. Even if i have to wait a few years, or even if it only last a few years, it will happen. I would never be able to live with myself if i never went out and tried the one thing that i truly was passionate about.

At first i wanted to fill out the applications. I was going to go to college, and i was just hoping that a career in music would just fling itself on me, without any effort on my part. I always talked about college, and getting a degree, and working and growing up, but somewhere in the back of my head i knew it was all, for lack of a better term, bs. I always thought to myself that half way through i would drop out to pursue music. I just pushed back where no one saw it, and only brought it up as an almost joke. Yes plans can change, and i'm not saying my plans won't, but why should i plan for my changing-of-plans? if that makes any sense. When my plans change, that's when i'll change my actions to flow with the new train of thought. I can't plan on predictions. Especially when they're not even my predictions. They belong to that reoccurring time line that says after high school you go to college, get a bs degree (no pun intended), and go work while dreams slowly fade away with your adolescent figure (ladies). I honestly do feel that it would be dumb of me to not attend college at all next fall. But that's just the culture and lineage talking. I feel as if i need to put schooling first, and music second, but when i really have time to think about it, i'm left torn. If music is truly the only source of happiness and fulfillment in my life, why am i not pursuing it with everything in me?! Even if that means i have to skip out on college and other things that follow in the time line of "life".

Have you ever had those moments, where everything goes silent. The edges start to blur away, as the colors start to fade. your eyes are fixed straight forward as all things disappear. Your sight narrows in on one intangible dream. The hair on your heads leaps off you scalp, and your skin becomes bumpy and cold. Although grey on the outside, your insides are burning with passion and love. you realize, at that one specific moment, that you were born for this, and nothing is gonna stop you now. you're in the moment, and you can't break it no matter how hard you try. anything remotely close to the subject matter excites you, and you are completely absorbed. You morph, you grow, fusion is at hand.
This is you, doing as you're supposed to.

The Takeover.

It's consuming me.

Gone.

The one thing i had going for me. The one thing that i excelled at, and loved doing, gone. I wish i could control others minds, and let them see what i see, and let them feel what i feel. I could make them all bleed passion and dedication. They would be able to see into the future. See what they could've been. I could get rid of all of my problems. I wish i could just go back. But then again, if the past asked if it could come back, i'm not sure what i would say. I wish, for once, everything could work out. I thought everything would work out for the better, but it sure doesn't seem like it. Like a dope fiend, my addiction is beginning to take over. I can't focus for five seconds with out the memories flashing through my head. I truly need this. I don't know what to do with out it. I've tried different substitutes and they just weren't the same. I need something of greater or equal value to subdue my pain, to make me content, to complete me, to make me happy.

I wish I was indie.

Or unintelligent, and no, I'm not saying there's any correlation between the two. That's all. How's that for a first blog?