i am so conflicted.
i want everything all at once.
i desire to be everything.
i want to go everywhere.
i dream of everything.
so why, out of all the hopes, dreams, and aspirations that haunt me, am i choosing the most quaint and safe one. why am i waiting for the things i truly want. i really should be getting on the ball.
but it's because i don't know which train to hop on. thats it. i dont know which path to take, because i want all of them. and thats why i am choosing to sit at the fork of the road and do nothing, watchin glife pass me by, hoping that everything will just magically work itself out. who knows that may happen, but still i need to take some initiative.
i wrote this a while ago.
but i still feel the same way
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
everything at once.
1) I have not posted anything in a long time, and one of my new year's resolutions was to write in this more often.
2) Sometimes I write something, then delete it because i don't want anyone to read it. Even though I advertise this site. Deep down, I really do want people to read this. Just a lot of the times I put up a front to make a good impression on certain people. I'm not necessarily trying to be something I'm not, because the majority of the time I could care less what people think of me, and I'm too honest for my own good. But I like to present myself well to new people. I help them, get to know me, before really getting knowing me?
3) Sometimes I write/say/think too much without meaning too ^^^
4) I'm starting to question what I really want.
5) Well, I know I what I want, but other options are beginning to be very tempting.
6) I had everything I wanted to write planned in my head, but i don't think any of these numbers have been one of them. I can't really recall what i was planning on posting anyways.
7) I'm embarrassed to tell people about my band, and my passion for music and everything that goes with it. But that's what i want to do for the rest of my life. I put all my time and money into my band, but when people talk to me about it, i pretend like i don't really care because i feel stupid and I'm embarrassed. And that's just shady.
8) I used to hate the word shady, and anyone who used it.
9) I am doing so terrible in school right now. And I am so ridiculously behind in Lit and Stats. But for some reason i still do absolutely nothing. I've been sitting on the couch watching TV for the past few hours, when i could have done Lit homework from two weeks ago that i still have yet to complete.
12) I have so much more to write, but it's late, and i'm tired. plus i don't want my parents to come out and yell at me for being on the computer this late.
13) my family fights way to much. about everything.
good night.
14) I posted this, then went back and edited it because I forgot to spell check it. I hate spelling words wrong.
2) Sometimes I write something, then delete it because i don't want anyone to read it. Even though I advertise this site. Deep down, I really do want people to read this. Just a lot of the times I put up a front to make a good impression on certain people. I'm not necessarily trying to be something I'm not, because the majority of the time I could care less what people think of me, and I'm too honest for my own good. But I like to present myself well to new people. I help them, get to know me, before really getting knowing me?
3) Sometimes I write/say/think too much without meaning too ^^^
4) I'm starting to question what I really want.
5) Well, I know I what I want, but other options are beginning to be very tempting.
6) I had everything I wanted to write planned in my head, but i don't think any of these numbers have been one of them. I can't really recall what i was planning on posting anyways.
7) I'm embarrassed to tell people about my band, and my passion for music and everything that goes with it. But that's what i want to do for the rest of my life. I put all my time and money into my band, but when people talk to me about it, i pretend like i don't really care because i feel stupid and I'm embarrassed. And that's just shady.
8) I used to hate the word shady, and anyone who used it.
9) I am doing so terrible in school right now. And I am so ridiculously behind in Lit and Stats. But for some reason i still do absolutely nothing. I've been sitting on the couch watching TV for the past few hours, when i could have done Lit homework from two weeks ago that i still have yet to complete.
12) I have so much more to write, but it's late, and i'm tired. plus i don't want my parents to come out and yell at me for being on the computer this late.
13) my family fights way to much. about everything.
good night.
14) I posted this, then went back and edited it because I forgot to spell check it. I hate spelling words wrong.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
yessir.
I really need to sort out my priorities. Well, not even that, i just need to cut down the 'to-do' list. That way i can put my full focus and energy into the things i truly love. I really need to get back on track with God. There's no other way to say that one. I'm always at church, always working at the church. leading things at the church, but just because I'm there, doesn't mean i''m actually spending time with God, and growing with him into the person he wishes me to become.
And I KNOW that as soon as i fix things with him, everything else will fall into place. It's soo obvious, it's creepy and almost scary. And i try to convince myself it's just in my head. But if i ever want to accomplish anything, i really need to seek him first. I've had this pact with God since, i think freshman or sophomore year. And if i told you, you'd probably laugh at me and tell me that I'm stupid and can't control the world. But i swear on everything in me it's 100% real. When i keep up my end, God provides, and when i fall short, my desires aren't met.
okay now i just sound crazy.
I really need to put more trust in him as well. wow this just turned into a sermon, which is exactly what i didn't want.
I'm just in an unusually unpleasant mood this evening.
on the other hand, a lot of random things are falling into place! but I'm scared to get my hopes up. Oh well, we'll see how this goes.
And I KNOW that as soon as i fix things with him, everything else will fall into place. It's soo obvious, it's creepy and almost scary. And i try to convince myself it's just in my head. But if i ever want to accomplish anything, i really need to seek him first. I've had this pact with God since, i think freshman or sophomore year. And if i told you, you'd probably laugh at me and tell me that I'm stupid and can't control the world. But i swear on everything in me it's 100% real. When i keep up my end, God provides, and when i fall short, my desires aren't met.
okay now i just sound crazy.
I really need to put more trust in him as well. wow this just turned into a sermon, which is exactly what i didn't want.
I'm just in an unusually unpleasant mood this evening.
on the other hand, a lot of random things are falling into place! but I'm scared to get my hopes up. Oh well, we'll see how this goes.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
how's that starting over?
Every year as the december days start to run out, you hear everyone planning what they're going to do for new years. Along with all the partying and resolutions, you always hear every one trying to figure out who they will kiss on new years. yea sure this can be a fun way to start off the new year, but i was thinking about this last night as i was alone with three other guys.haha
we're all so excited to start the new year with a clean slate, a fresh start. and yet the minute we begin our new start we go make out with some random girl we've never met. (this excludes people who are in relationships) why would you want to dirty your fresh slate? Why would you want your first kiss of the year to be with some random person who you didn't care for? Why would you waste it, the second you gain it? I don't know, maybe i'm old fashioned, but it just kinda seems like a waste to me. It reminds me of those people who, as soon as they put gas in their car, they drive around for now reason. accelerating way too fast, just burning all their fuel, just because they have it. okay never mind, that wasn't as good of an analogy as i thought it was. but you get my point.
so if you did in fact share a meaningless kiss with someone, I hope you enjoyed it, and better luck next year. As for me, I'll be waiting until i have some one worth kissing :)
we're all so excited to start the new year with a clean slate, a fresh start. and yet the minute we begin our new start we go make out with some random girl we've never met. (this excludes people who are in relationships) why would you want to dirty your fresh slate? Why would you want your first kiss of the year to be with some random person who you didn't care for? Why would you waste it, the second you gain it? I don't know, maybe i'm old fashioned, but it just kinda seems like a waste to me. It reminds me of those people who, as soon as they put gas in their car, they drive around for now reason. accelerating way too fast, just burning all their fuel, just because they have it. okay never mind, that wasn't as good of an analogy as i thought it was. but you get my point.
so if you did in fact share a meaningless kiss with someone, I hope you enjoyed it, and better luck next year. As for me, I'll be waiting until i have some one worth kissing :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
new year's eve.
new years eve, December 31st, 2008. Today should've been a crazy fun day, a big new years eve bash in visalia, then driving up to Kerman to party all night before a even 'huger' new years bash tomorrow.
but instead, i sat at home all day. Every time i get sooo close to the things i strive towards, but then in the end i fall short. and it seems like lately it has been other's who have been coming up short, for all of us. And to top off everything else, my back pack is lost. proabably my own fault, all though no one is excited to help me in my search. probably my biggest pet peave is when people don't answer their cell phones. You know that in this day and age, people keep their phone stuck to them like it's an essential tool to keep their heart beating. But yet, time after time, they fail to answer them. Honestly.
So time has gone by and by, and yet again, my map has altered it's path. Now i'm faced with difficult decision of choosing which fork in the road to choose. Do i make it happen, at all costs, or do i stay true to the people around me, and stick by their side. It can work both ways, but one just seems slower, and harder than the other. I feel like i'm running out of time. Most people are excited that this is their last semester of high school, as am I, but i feel like i have so much to do, and so little time to do it. Which is probably inccorect, but still. With Plan A, I was ecstatic to be done. It made it that much easier for me. But with plan B, i wish i had more time! I almost wish plan B never arose. I want the other, but i know i can't leave...
Oh, the irony.
i hope none of this makes sense, to all of you.
but instead, i sat at home all day. Every time i get sooo close to the things i strive towards, but then in the end i fall short. and it seems like lately it has been other's who have been coming up short, for all of us. And to top off everything else, my back pack is lost. proabably my own fault, all though no one is excited to help me in my search. probably my biggest pet peave is when people don't answer their cell phones. You know that in this day and age, people keep their phone stuck to them like it's an essential tool to keep their heart beating. But yet, time after time, they fail to answer them. Honestly.
So time has gone by and by, and yet again, my map has altered it's path. Now i'm faced with difficult decision of choosing which fork in the road to choose. Do i make it happen, at all costs, or do i stay true to the people around me, and stick by their side. It can work both ways, but one just seems slower, and harder than the other. I feel like i'm running out of time. Most people are excited that this is their last semester of high school, as am I, but i feel like i have so much to do, and so little time to do it. Which is probably inccorect, but still. With Plan A, I was ecstatic to be done. It made it that much easier for me. But with plan B, i wish i had more time! I almost wish plan B never arose. I want the other, but i know i can't leave...
Oh, the irony.
i hope none of this makes sense, to all of you.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Finally.
For once in my life i feel as if everything is going according to plan, but yet, i have no real plan at all. Just a gut feeling and a passion in my heart that tells me to run blindly down this sightless tunnel, with promise of fortune at the end. And for some unknown reason, that completely calms me down. I have faith and trust that this will work, but what am i putting my faith and trust in? Is it God? I'd like to think yes, but i can't say for sure. Is it me? Is it purely in fate; Up in the air for anyone to grab? All i know is God, gave me a purpose. I've never said that so bluntly before. One probably wouldn't believe me, but i've been trying to convince myself the opposite. I still don't truly believe it. But when my hair is on end as my skin prickles up, and my brain is shooting neurons so fast that it completely shuts down and I am engulfed in the moment... How can i deny that? I'm finally doing what i always said (half jokingly) i would. And it feels so good, and i haven't even started. I'm just slowly seeing things, pointless meaningless things, fall into place, and I feel like young child overwhelmed at Disney Land for the first time. This one time it's okayto quote paramore, "We(I) were born for this."
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