Competition.

sorry blogspot, you've lost to tumblr.

benisalive.tumblr.com

Blur.

So many things are happening all too fast. I don't know what's going on anymore. Things get shifted around and plans change. Good ideas become bad ideas, and bad ideas are thrown out to die. My feelings change all too fast, and I don't know how I feel about anything. I hope things work out for the better, but I'd be lying if I said this was my first choice. I need something stable. In whatever part of life it may be, I need some home ground. As weird and as contradictory as this may sound, I think I will feel much more secure when we are on the road again. There's nothing more stable than to be living out of a bus, hoping to make enough money at each show to get you enough gas to get to the next stop. Oh, the human brain and it's instinctive love for irony.

Honestly.

I don't feel bad for you at all anymore.

Things happen.

I wish I could say that I am shocked, but I saw this from a mile away. I'm honestly not too worried about it, but I will miss you. This is for the better. Goodbye.

You.

You will find me someday. Hopefully sooner than later. I look forward to holding you tight in my arms, knowing that you are mine. Whispering secrets in your ear, and kissing you on your forehead. Walking hand in hand through the night, and cuddling in the moonlight. Writing you letters while you're away, explaining what a mess I have become missing you. I can't wait to lay with you in the grass under the stars, as I sing you to sleep. To feel those three words ascend from my heart and dance off the tip of my tongue. I long to love you the way God has loved me, to admire you the way Adam first gazed upon Eve.

I need you here, to save me from this world of temptation and fear.

Hurry, I'll be waiting<3

The good and the bad.

What caused our generation to be so hateful? I really hate to reference the black eyed peas, but where is the love? It seems like today people are so condemning. Everyone's all about themselves and there little niche, and if you don't fit into it perfectly, they couldn't care less about you. Why can't everyone just get along. I'm not talking about race, I'm talking about personality. Image. Does it really bother you if someone dresses, talks, or acts different than you. We live in such an exclusive world. Constantly striving to be at the top, only to push out others who are lower than you. It's all about who you know and who you hang out with. Everything is in a vain attempt to make yourself look better to the rest of the world. To ascend above the common people. At the end of the day, people probably won't even notice. You build yourself up in your own mind, to, in some twisted way, justify your hate crimes against your brothers and sisters. You don't look at people as people, you some how warp them into some foreign creature, something different than you. Something lower than you. We all judge, yet we all hate being judged. We love to hate, yet we long for love and acceptance.

LEARN TO LOVE.

tour.

I love being in a band on tour.
I hate being in a band not on tour.

....

I am so tired, I shall blog later.

warped.

warped tour was a blast!
I seriously had so much fun hanging out and meeting everyone!
and we sold a crap load of cds!
I would do unforgivable things to get on the entire tour.
so we're finally home from tour.
It was soooo much fun! and i cant wait to get back out on the road!
so im gonna start writing in this more often. aeoigoijeragi;;aregn
goodbye.

funny pt. 2

all my friends start college today. asuyghfdsaf
so we're in Orange, Ca right now at some starbucks in some mall.
I hate days we don't have shows or aren't driving or doing something productive,
but at least we're in a choice location.
It still trips me out to think how much life has changed in the past few months.
My life is crazy right now. I am dirt poor, but I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I have to work all day selling cds just to make enough money for gas to the next destination, but I love it.
I love talking and meeting all the new people, and I especially love the people who run away and refuse to listen to our music. hahaa
Tomorrow's the big day, photoshoot with Celina Kenyon! I'm pumped!
Then Show in Huntington Beach, then....
WARPED TOUR!
I am sooooo soooo sooooooooo excited to follow warped.
We're just gonna be meeting he coolest people all day long and getting to watch and hang with all my favorite bands. It's gonna be amazing.
So if you're going to any of the warped tour dates let me know and we can haaaaanngggg!

setsuo

funny.

I haven't updated this in foreverrrr.
For those of you who don't know, here's a little update on my life.

So after everything I went through, I am not going to college.
Nope, no school for me. Not UCSB or CSUF.

Why, you ask?

well i had this brilliant idea to,
JOIN A ROCK N' ROLL BAND!

haha but no, seriously, for those of you who know me you know that music has always been my greatest passion in life. So when i was presented with the opportunity to have a go at my dream, and chase what I've always wanted, I dropped everything else and took it.

It's weird looking back at these last few months, from graduation to now. I was in a completely different place in my life two months ago at the end of senior year, and I was a completely different person. I always told everyone that I wasn't going to go to college, and that I was gonna join a band and tour the world, but not even my best friends believed me. To be honest i thought I was full of crap too. I didn't think it would actually ever happen, so it's weird looking back and seeing just how, perfectly, everything fell into place. Coincidence?

So anywho, After graduating I still didn't know what i was going to do, and by the grace of God i ended up coming in contact with, and later joining A Midsky Surrender. (myspace.com/amidskysurrender)
I moved up to Turlock, Ca in the beginning of July and have been living and touring with them since. I absolutely love all the guys and they have become some of my closest friends. We had our up and downs, but in the end we came out stronger and better than before. We're currently on our first real tour which ends the 18th, and then we follow the remaining California warped tour dates selling cds and pushing our name. It would me so much to me if all my friends from back home came out to the Fresno date 8/19 and came and hung out and bought a cd. I miss all you guys!

We just recently got a LEGIT manager who we are all super stoked about! He's gonna do great things for us! We're taking new promos in like a week or something, and then we're getting a whole new myspace and everything. We'll also be posting our cover song when we release the new layout! Some of you have already heard it:) haha it's soooo good! The next step for our band, according to our manager;), to is to get signed, record a full length and get it in stores and into kids hands, and TOUR TOUR TOUR! This is seriously a dream come true. It still feels so unreal to me. I don't feel like a real musician, or like i'm in a real band at all. I still feel like a kid jamming with his friends in a garage. haha

So yea that's what going on with me post-graduation. I truly do miss everyone and hopefully we'll all get to hang soon! I'll be in kingsburg after this tour on like the 24th? to get my wisdom teeth out! I want to see EVERYONE while I'm there! Kingsburg will always be my home<3 random side note: The kingsburg recorder is interviewing me and doing a story about me as a touring musician. Weird.

Everyone make sure to check out my band if you haven't already!
We're going to have NEW EVERYTHING in a few weeks! Big things are coming from us, so be on the lookout.

www.myspace.com/amidskysurrender

current thoughts

pray for vincet torres, and his family, as yesterday they started pulling the plugs on his mother, who is brain dead after her heart unexpectedly stopped.

hgh school is almost over.

i'm going to fresno state, thanks milia :)

i am truly greatful for the close friends and family that god has provided me with.

this is the first time i have been to school on an even day in a few weeks.

prom is gonna be legit, both of them

WOMDAP

lets get crazy (sober, but crazy)

The biggest decision

probably one of the biggest decisions of my life is coming up: choosing which college to go to. As of now i'm leaning towards Fresno State, due to the prestige scholarship i have recieved, kind of. its not the money im concerned about, its all about being the 'cream of the crop' being involved in an elite group with special privelages.



but i still dont know for sure. and i wouldve guessed that my parents would advise me to take all the time and not decide until i knew for sure, wow was i wrong.

they are forcing me to accept and sign a letter of intent tonight. no matter who it may be to. i know and understand that the deadline is a few days away, but i dont want a decision like this to be made if im not all the way in. I was still heavily considering UCSB, and also UCI and Cal Poly. I know it may sound stupid, but i was waiting for yet another sign from god to direct me. He's already made it clear on where i shouold go(fresno state), or so i think, and i was just looking for some reassurance. because i honestly do not want to go to fresno state. im only leaning towards there because i have things here holding me back. and im not convinced that these things are worth it. for instance, my band. i love those guys to death and i still do desire to make music a career, but im not positive that my future lies with them. plus there's so many musicians out there, im sure i could find the right people no matter where i go right? i've always wanted to go somewhere big, somewhere full of opportunity and thriving with life, but yet i find myself again leaning towards fresno. im having all these second thoughts, and im so close to changing my mind and going away, but im not positive yet, i still ahvent gotten my sign. and with my parents forcing me to accept tonight, i feel like they're deciding for me. it's not even the fact that they are telling me to accept my scholarship to state, its just the fact that i feel like they're deciding for me. i really want to go to UCSB, or even UCI, but im no ready to give up on my band. gosh that sounds so stupid when you say it out loud. And now ive also got the whole guilt thing going. I'm pretty sure i got a direct message from the big man saying, "GO TO STATE!" and if i go somewhere else well.... thats why ive prayed and asked for another sign. a clear cut sign where the clouds rumble and break and lightning strikes the earth and the grounds quakes and splits at the voice of God, directing me where to go. afduhysdndsgkjna;dslg



i dont know what to do! and in the next hour i will have to choose! so many things are pointing towards going AWAY from fresno state. but it seems as if i will be stuck going there.

asduyhlifj;eraudfinerivgfnfrf;eaivnre;akfhvjsdajkvnba;sodjnfbvhadsnflfad


all i want to do is play music!

FML

oihfeoimcmcchfpoe,xej;'[.iwef,poj;feap,jofop,e;o,oweeeewew!

letter to my classmates.

letter, song, poem, whatever you want to call it.

"We are 18, so young, but at this moment, oh so old. We need to leave, get on our feet, on our own out of this town. Cause we've all grown up, and had the best times of our lives. but i promise you, life isn't through, the best years have yet to come. If you thought high school was fun, you'll love the college life. The deepest respect for classmates who enter service at this time. No matter what your goals, you'll all make it just fine. I pray God blesses the senior class of 2009.
'I hope when i see you next, that you are twice the man you used to be, a graceful woman living happily. I hope i won't see you soon, cause that means you got out of this boring town, your living accomplished and proud. Cause i for one am tired of, the routine we sank into these past four years, i know without a doubt, I'm worth more than parties and sleeping on the couch. and i can't wait, to see what all of us become.' We've had our differences, we haven't always got along, but as time runs down, the best comes out, unified as we walk. Remember senior ditch day, and remember this year's prom? All in all I've had a great time but now it's time to move on. 'I hope when i see you next, that you are twice the man you used to be, a graceful woman living happily. I hope i won't see you soon, cause that means you got out of this boring town, your living accomplished and proud. Cause i for one am tired of, the routine we sank into these past four years, i know without a doubt, I'm worth more than parties and sleeping on the couch. and i can't wait, to see what all of us become.' So much potential from such a little town. I believe in all of you, so go out and make me proud. The next time I'll see your face you'll be on my TV screen. So come on class of 2009, lift your caps and sing, 'I hope when i see you next, that you are twice the man you used to be, a graceful woman living happily. I hope i won't see you soon, cause that means you got out of this boring town, your living accomplished and proud. Cause i for one am tired of, the routine we sank into these past four years, i know without a doubt, I'm worth more than parties and sleeping on the couch. and i can't wait, to see what all of us become.'

-Ben Ezaki

i really did plan on posting a second blog, following the previous.

everything at twice.

i am so conflicted.
i want everything all at once.
i desire to be everything.
i want to go everywhere.
i dream of everything.

so why, out of all the hopes, dreams, and aspirations that haunt me, am i choosing the most quaint and safe one. why am i waiting for the things i truly want. i really should be getting on the ball.

but it's because i don't know which train to hop on. thats it. i dont know which path to take, because i want all of them. and thats why i am choosing to sit at the fork of the road and do nothing, watchin glife pass me by, hoping that everything will just magically work itself out. who knows that may happen, but still i need to take some initiative.

i wrote this a while ago.
but i still feel the same way

everything at once.

1) I have not posted anything in a long time, and one of my new year's resolutions was to write in this more often.

2) Sometimes I write something, then delete it because i don't want anyone to read it. Even though I advertise this site. Deep down, I really do want people to read this. Just a lot of the times I put up a front to make a good impression on certain people. I'm not necessarily trying to be something I'm not, because the majority of the time I could care less what people think of me, and I'm too honest for my own good. But I like to present myself well to new people. I help them, get to know me, before really getting knowing me?

3) Sometimes I write/say/think too much without meaning too ^^^

4) I'm starting to question what I really want.

5) Well, I know I what I want, but other options are beginning to be very tempting.

6) I had everything I wanted to write planned in my head, but i don't think any of these numbers have been one of them. I can't really recall what i was planning on posting anyways.

7) I'm embarrassed to tell people about my band, and my passion for music and everything that goes with it. But that's what i want to do for the rest of my life. I put all my time and money into my band, but when people talk to me about it, i pretend like i don't really care because i feel stupid and I'm embarrassed. And that's just shady.

8) I used to hate the word shady, and anyone who used it.

9) I am doing so terrible in school right now. And I am so ridiculously behind in Lit and Stats. But for some reason i still do absolutely nothing. I've been sitting on the couch watching TV for the past few hours, when i could have done Lit homework from two weeks ago that i still have yet to complete.



12) I have so much more to write, but it's late, and i'm tired. plus i don't want my parents to come out and yell at me for being on the computer this late.

13) my family fights way to much. about everything.

good night.

14) I posted this, then went back and edited it because I forgot to spell check it. I hate spelling words wrong.

blah blah blah blah

i hate some people some of the time.

yessir.

I really need to sort out my priorities. Well, not even that, i just need to cut down the 'to-do' list. That way i can put my full focus and energy into the things i truly love. I really need to get back on track with God. There's no other way to say that one. I'm always at church, always working at the church. leading things at the church, but just because I'm there, doesn't mean i''m actually spending time with God, and growing with him into the person he wishes me to become.
And I KNOW that as soon as i fix things with him, everything else will fall into place. It's soo obvious, it's creepy and almost scary. And i try to convince myself it's just in my head. But if i ever want to accomplish anything, i really need to seek him first. I've had this pact with God since, i think freshman or sophomore year. And if i told you, you'd probably laugh at me and tell me that I'm stupid and can't control the world. But i swear on everything in me it's 100% real. When i keep up my end, God provides, and when i fall short, my desires aren't met.
okay now i just sound crazy.
I really need to put more trust in him as well. wow this just turned into a sermon, which is exactly what i didn't want.

I'm just in an unusually unpleasant mood this evening.

on the other hand, a lot of random things are falling into place! but I'm scared to get my hopes up. Oh well, we'll see how this goes.

how's that starting over?

Every year as the december days start to run out, you hear everyone planning what they're going to do for new years. Along with all the partying and resolutions, you always hear every one trying to figure out who they will kiss on new years. yea sure this can be a fun way to start off the new year, but i was thinking about this last night as i was alone with three other guys.haha
we're all so excited to start the new year with a clean slate, a fresh start. and yet the minute we begin our new start we go make out with some random girl we've never met. (this excludes people who are in relationships) why would you want to dirty your fresh slate? Why would you want your first kiss of the year to be with some random person who you didn't care for? Why would you waste it, the second you gain it? I don't know, maybe i'm old fashioned, but it just kinda seems like a waste to me. It reminds me of those people who, as soon as they put gas in their car, they drive around for now reason. accelerating way too fast, just burning all their fuel, just because they have it. okay never mind, that wasn't as good of an analogy as i thought it was. but you get my point.
so if you did in fact share a meaningless kiss with someone, I hope you enjoyed it, and better luck next year. As for me, I'll be waiting until i have some one worth kissing :)